IT'S SHOEPER BOWL SEASON!

Yes, you read it correctly. SHOEPER BOWL. Hey, it's probably hard for some to believe that there are people who don't give a hoot about the big game on February 1st. It's true. In fact, the only reason why I know the big game is on February 1st is because it just so happens to fall on the same day as Shoeper Bowl, the big buy one, get one free sale at ShoeTopia. Coincidence? Perhaps. But that's not the point. Or maybe it is... I don't remember. (I always seem to lose my train of thought after seeing "buy one, get one free.")

Anyway, I've developed "Shoeper Bowl Terminology" to provide those of you who are unfamiliar with this game with a better appreciation, or at least a better understanding, of this sport. I hope it helps! (Enthusiasts may visit www.shopshoetopia.com for the pre-game line up. )


A-C
Automatic – Why I don’t drive a 5 speed
Back – What Baby’s got
Block Successfully stopping someone else from purchasing what you intend to buy for yourself. Does not involve physical contact, and is often performed using reverse psychology. (i.e., “Those (fill in the blank) make you look fat.”)
Bootleg Pull on or zip up?
Bump and Run What usually happens when people try to parallel park
Carry What a man must do for you while you shop. (Hey, you told him not to come!)
Center Where there are lots of stores
Clipping What you do to get those extra bonus discounts advertised in the paper
Controlling the Clock What a man does when you shop with him
Coverage What a good-sized clothing article provides when it hides what you want it to hide
Cut Back What you say you are going to do about spending. But this time you really mean it. No, really. (Oh, who are you kidding?)

D-E
Defensive Back “Are you saying my back’s too big?”
Defensive End See Defensive Back
Dime Back What you get when you give someone a $10 for a $9.90 purchase
Division What you do when calculating a sale price
Double Coverage When you have to wear something bigger than you anticipated to hide what you wanted to hide
Down Goose feathers
Down and In Goose feather coats that are stylish
Down and Out Goose feather coats that are sooo last season
Draft What you wouldn’t be feeling right now had you bought that coat
Draw What you have to do to communicate with people who don’t seem to understand plain English
Drive Something I lost a long time ago. But it’ll come back. Or not. I don’t care.
Drop Back What you do when you are walking with man and you see a cute shop
Drop Kick What you’d like to do when the man you are walking with insists you catch up with him after you dropped back to window shop
Encroachment When the shopper next to you gets in your space. (Hey, you saw it first!)
End Your derrière
End Line Panty lines
End Zone In the vicinity of your derrière
Excessive Time Outs You really need to get that bladder checked

F-H
Face Mask What you spent way too much on because it claims to reduce the signs of aging
Fair Catch A single guy
Fair Catch Interference The single guy’s ex girlfriend
Flanker I don’t know but it sounds insulting
Forward Pass It’s been so long, I don’t think I could adequately describe it
Foul Anything you don’t like
Franchise A big box store
Free Agent Who cares? It’s free!
Freeze See Draft
Fullback When even your fat pants are tight
Fumble When you wait for the big sale, only to find that the shoes you wanted are gone
Gap Why I don’t wear button-down shirts
Guard What I seem to let down at every sale
Halfback Gaining half of the weight you lost back.
Helping the Runner Giving moral support to your friends who exercise
Holding What you ask a clerk to do when you’re not sure about a purchase
Hot Receiver What happens when you neglect to call your friend until after you went to the big sale
Huddle See Freeze and Draft

I-N
I Formation Crow’s feet
Illegal Motion What that jerk in the car in front of you just did
Illegal Procedure What bad plastic surgery should be
In Bounds Very, very big steps
Interception When he stops you from making a purchase
Interference What you get when he catches you making a purchase
Key What you never seem to be able to locate, no matter how small your purse is
Kickoff What you do to those fabulous 4” heels shoes at the first opportunity that arises
Lateral What you were supposed to work on last year
Loose Ball We won’t even go there
Man in Motion When he gets off the couch during the game
Man-to-Man Coverage A ball cap, long sleeved T-shirt, & sweats
Multiple Offense See foul
Neutral Zone Any area you can discuss freely without prompting an argument
Nickel Defense A cheapskate trying to justify a bad tip
Nose Guard Post surgery wear

O-Q
Odds What you calculate when trying to determine whether you buy the shoe now or wait and see if it will still be there during the big sale
Offensive Line When a sales clerk wrongly guesses your dress size. (Unless it’s smaller than what you think it should be.)
Off-Season On sale
Option The choice to buy, or not to buy. That is your option.
Overtime The open-ended period of time that you assure yourself it’ll take for you to fit into those pants that are 75% off, but 2 sizes too small
Pass Defender The guy’s wing man
Pass Interference Similar to fair-catch interference, but this time interference is welcome
Possession Def. 1. What takes place after money changes hands. Def. 2. What you will claim took place when he asks why you needed another pair of shoes. (Also known as insanity plea.)
Post-Season On mega sale
Preseason Not in the stores yet
Pump Fake Designer knock-off
Quarter The portion of the slice of cake you intended to have
Quarterback If someone told me there was going to be math involved…
Quick Count Tallying up your purchases in your head

RS
Receiver The person you call to spread the word about the sale
Recover Finding another pair of awesome shoes at the big sale after fumbling on the intended pair
Regular Season Not on sale
Return You really didn’t want it…
Reverse…or did you?
Roll The area above your pants’ waistline
Rush See scramble
Sack Where you’d rather be instead of waiting in line at 3 AM to get a great deal
Scheme Your sale-shopping strategy
Scramble What you do when you realize the store that’s having the awesome sale is closing in 15 minutes
Shift Deciding on a different pair of shoes altogether
Side Judge Your opinionated shopping companion
Sidelines Where non-shoppers sit
Single Elimination Narrowing down your purchases to one item
Snap Def. 1. The amount of time you told him it would take for you to pick out a few items. Def. 2. What you will do if he actually holds you to that.
Spot What you might see in order to get a discount
Stiff Arm Casualty of carrying too many packages
Striking an Official What Zsa Zsa Gabor does
Strong Side When looking in a mirror, the angle that makes you appear thin
Substitution Occurs when there is a Return, in lieu of a monetary refund

T
Tackle Using physical force to stop someone else from making a purchase
Takeaway What you sometimes must do to avoid overspending
Tight End What you would have had, had you kept going to the gym
Time Out Taking a break from shopping. Usually involves food, some sort of beverage, and a trip to the ladies’ room
Too Many Men on the Field What commonly occurs when shopping at electronics and hardware stores
Touchdown What you did that made you resort to buying the goose down coat, even though it was not on sale. Justified purchase because you no longer have to Freeze or Huddle to get warm, or experience any Drafts.
Tripping You knew the heels were too high, but you bought them anyway
Turnover One of the things you swore you were giving up this year
Two-Minute Warning The store is about to close

U - Z
Unnecessary Roughness What occurs when you stop getting pedicures
Veer What you do when driving by a store and see an unexpected sale
Weak Side When looking in a mirror, the angle that makes you appear fat
Wideout A liposuction device that makes flab disappear
Xs & Os Xs: stores you visited today. Os: stores you have yet to visit today.
Zone Defense Like Defensive End or Defensive Back, but not confined to a specific part of your body.